Today's Professional Management FUNDAS
1 . "We will do it" means "You will do it"
2 . "You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"
3 . "We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"
4 . "Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"
5 . "After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"
6 . "There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"
7 . "Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"
8 . "We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"
9 . "We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time .. "
10 . "We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"
11 . "Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"
12 . "You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"
13 . "We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"
14 . "Well Family is important; your leave is always granted . Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know . . . "
15 .. "We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"
16 . "That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"
17 . "All the Best" means "You are in trouble"
Showing posts with label management Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label management Jokes. Show all posts
Lines in Forbes Magazine
Awesome lines written in Forbes Magazine.....
.
'Money is not every thing in life' ...
.
.
.
But Make sure tht U have earned sufficient
before u think about this kind of
Bull shit..!!..
.
'Money is not every thing in life' ...
.
.
.
But Make sure tht U have earned sufficient
before u think about this kind of
Bull shit..!!..
Check clearing
Customer to clerk: agar main aaj chq deposit karta hoon, toh kitne din mein clear hoga?
Clerk: sir 3 din toh lagenge
Customer: dono bank aamne saamne hee hai. Phir itne din kyun lagenge?
Clerk: sir PROCEDURE to FOLLOW karna padta hai . Socho agar aap Shamshaan ke bahar mar jaate hai toh aapko ghar leke jayenge ya wahin jala denge?
Clerk: sir 3 din toh lagenge
Customer: dono bank aamne saamne hee hai. Phir itne din kyun lagenge?
Clerk: sir PROCEDURE to FOLLOW karna padta hai . Socho agar aap Shamshaan ke bahar mar jaate hai toh aapko ghar leke jayenge ya wahin jala denge?
What is Self Apraisal?
A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”
Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”
it's your Worry
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
What if earth rotates 30 times faster?
Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster,
what will happen?"
engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D
Think Greedily
Act Confidently
what will happen?"
engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D
Think Greedily
Act Confidently
To do nothing you should be at Top
A Bird sat on Tree doing NOTHING
A Rabbit thought to do the same & sat on Ground
Tiger cam & ate it!!
Moral : To sit & do NOTHING, You need to be on top :)
Our first rule is trustworthiness
Boss during an Interview
Boss: There are two main rules for our company to select you.
Applicant: What is it Sir?
Boss: Our second rule is Cleanliness, did you wipe your feet on the mat near the door before coming in?
Applicant: "Yes Sir"
Boss: Our first rule is trustworthiness and for your information there is no mat!!!
dafa ho Saale !!
Pencil in Horlicks
Ques: Mr.BEAN puts his pencil into a horlicks bottle,Why..?
Ans : To make the pencil taller,stronger &
sharper.....He is so intelligent
Ans : To make the pencil taller,stronger &
sharper.....He is so intelligent
Plumber vs Engineer
Plumber-Pipe Naya Laga Diya Or 1000Rs Bill Hua
Kaalu-Itna To Mai Engineer Ho K B Nai kamata
Plumber-Mai Bhi Nahi Kamata Tha Jab Engineer Tha
Kaalu-Itna To Mai Engineer Ho K B Nai kamata
Plumber-Mai Bhi Nahi Kamata Tha Jab Engineer Tha
Three Insurance Persons
Three life insurance salesmen of different countries were having a chat.
Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours.
Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.
American: That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!
Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours.
Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.
American: That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!
Advantge of Learning foreign Language
Mouse was Going wid his Kids
A Cat jumped infront of dm
Mouse shoutd
"BHOW BHOW"
Cat runs away
Mouse=Dats d Advntge of Lerning foreign Lnguage
A Cat jumped infront of dm
Mouse shoutd
"BHOW BHOW"
Cat runs away
Mouse=Dats d Advntge of Lerning foreign Lnguage
Whistle
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American.
And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American.
And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
Japanese management lecture
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
'You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,รข€ screamed the terrorist leader, 'and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?'
'You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,รข€ screamed the terrorist leader, 'and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?'
Never Hate
Never HATE people who are Jealous Of you,
Instead LOVE them,
Because
they are the one's who Think you are better then them.:-)...
Think Different.
gud mrng guys..!!!
hav a nyc day ahead.!!
Instead LOVE them,
Because
they are the one's who Think you are better then them.:-)...
Think Different.
gud mrng guys..!!!
hav a nyc day ahead.!!
Why Woman Sit on Right
WHY DOES WOMAN SIT ON THE LEFT AND MAN ON THE RIGHT AT A WEDDING CEREMONY? ACCORDING TO A BALANCE SHEET, ALL ASSETS ARE ON RIGHT SIDE AND LIABILITIES ON THE LEFT SIDE... :))
Get 100% satisfaction
Management LessonYou spent 100% income on your wife and get 10% satisfaction.
on the other hand
You spent 10% income on your girlfriend and get 100% satisfaction.
your money, your decision.
Sensitive Beer
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Selling Bibles
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
The Rude Customer
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
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